We all experience pain in life. Heartache, loss, disappointment. Suffering is a part of the human condition. When we're in the depths of it, it can be hard to see how we can ever recover from our deep pain. The idea that we might one day be grateful for our disappointment and hurt seems unthinkable.
As
Glennon Doyle Melton said recently in her discussion with Oprah:
"Pain
is a traveling professor and it goes and knocks on everyone’s door. The
smartest people I know are the people who say, come in and don't leave until
you have taught me what I need to know." - Glennon Doyle Melton
It is our hurt that can crack us open and let the light in. It is
our pain that can help move us towards living a more deeply fulfilling life. We have to hurt
in order to know, fail in order to grow, lose in order to gain. Because, most
of life’s lessons are learned through pain.
There
is a psychological idea known as Post-Traumatic Growth. We are all familiar
with its cousin, post-traumatic stress. Post-traumatic growth isn't discussed
as frequently, but it is the concept that explains how many of us take our pain
and use it as the energy to grow psychologically.
"Post-traumatic
growth is not about returning to the same life as it was previously experienced
before a period of traumatic suffering; but rather it is about undergoing
significant 'life-changing' psychological shifts in thinking and relating to the
world, that contribute to a personal process of change, that is deeply
meaningful." (Tedeshi & Calhoun, 2004).
Here
are 3 things we can do to help us channel our deep pain into an opportunity
for our greatest growth:
Explore Our Feelings
We need to get in touch with our emotions, and be willing to feel them. To
understand why we hurt, we have to dip deep into where the pain is stemming
from. We may choose journaling, therapy or coaching - but we need to find
some way to really explore and understand our feelings.
It
is easy to say we are hurt because of heartbreak, but the question is, what
part of the heartbreak is really causing us the pain? Is it that we feel like
a failure? That we are grieving for a future that no longer exists? Or that we don't feel worthy of love?
Express our emotions and work through them until we can find their root cause. Self-reflection
and personal understanding is a prerequisite to deeper psychological growth.
Look
for the Lesson
In
order to grow from a painful experience, we need to focus our mind on looking
for the lesson. This is one way of choosing to have a growth-mindset.
No
matter what the situation, we will be able to uncover a lesson if we look
hard enough. If we have been faced with an illness, perhaps it can teach us what we need to prioritize in life. If we are recovering from heartbreak,
perhaps it can highlight our need to respect our self more, so that we are
not prone to letting other people disrespect us.
Looking
for the lesson is about taking our power back. We can't wallow indefinitely
in the pain if we are to step up and grow. Once we've identified the root
cause of our hurt, we have the power to look for what can we learn from the
situation.
Resolve
to Change
Once
we can acknowledge what our current situation might have to teach us, we need to resolve to change. Real positive growth must be followed by action. We have to do things differently. This is where our pain can truly turn into our
greatest power.
It
may be that we re-prioritize how we live our life, so that the things that
really matter to us play a bigger part. Or we may resolve to focus on truly
deep-down loving our self before we begin to look for another romantic
partner. Our actions will always be so personal to our self.
Real
growth comes from a willingness to change. We need to do things differently
and use our pain as the thing that leads us on our path to growth.
It
may be useful to have a coach or other professional help us work through these
stages. We can accelerate our growth when we work with skilled professionals
who can help guide us.
We can turn our pain into power. If we are willing to work out where the pain
stems from, recognize there is a lesson to be learned, and turn our new knowledge
into action, we will come through the suffering a brighter and stronger
person.
It is easier for us to spot the red car once we keep thinking about
it. It also easier to spot opportunity when we keep thinking about it. Last but
not least, it is easier for us to make excuses when we keep thinking to run
away from the problems. We become what we constantly think about. Stay positive
people.
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